In the Lyrics Read online

  We make it around the table, Larry skips his turn, and Colby opens his mouth to speak. “I’m thankful for yet another day to be alive and living my dream, to have this amazing lady beside me, and all of you.”

  “You just had to bring him up, didn’t you? Ain’t it possible to go one damn year without dredging up those damn feelins? We’re all sitting here, shouting off all the fuckin’ things we’re thankful for, when there’s an empty chair staring back at us,” Larry fumes and the room goes silent. My body stiffens, but Colby clears his throat, and I somewhat relax.

  I don’t think Colby was intentionally bringing him up, he was simply saying he was thankful to be alive. Maybe it wasn’t the best timing, but he isn’t to blame. I’ve only been here a few hours, and I’ve already borne witness to Larry flying off the handle twice now.

  Anna’s voice is soft when she says, “Come on, y’all, dig in. I don’t want things getting cold on us.”

  Bowls and plates are passed around, their noises the only sounds that break the awkward silence that has overcome the room. We eat, and I attempt to hide my groans of pleasure. Anna is a good cook.

  After everyone’s stomachs are stuffed, Anna and Eddie’s wife, Maxine, pick up their spouse’s plates for them. I guess it’s rude if I don’t cater to Colby, so I pick his up too. A wide smirk appears on his face and makes me feel all giddy inside.

  Walking into the crowded kitchen, I see there are leftovers sprawled out all over the counters. “I’ll wash, you dry,” Anna instructs as she turns on the faucet. Standing next to her, I wait for her to hand me the first clean dish as the sound of a glass breaking startles us both.

  “Oh, no,” Maxine says as she peeks around the corner of the wall into the dining room where we were seated moments before. “That sound was your granny’s china breaking.”

  “Hensley, please excuse me, and do not let anything that is said from my husband’s mouth affect you. I promise you, his comments aren’t directed at you. He’s just upset about...well, I’m sure you know.”

  I nod and she walks away. Maxine steps in and starts washing the dishes, but the voices of Colby and his father yelling pierce through me. Maxine tries to make small talk, but it doesn’t work. I can hear them hollering at one another, their words clear as day.

  “Why’d you even come back here? You know damn well your presence isn’t wanted. Then you go hootin’ and hollerin’ about how you’re so happy to be alive. It’s sickening. If I didn’t make myself clear before, I damn sure will today,” Larry screams through the commotion. And then I hear Eddie and Anna trying to talk over everyone. Maxine’s son comes running into the kitchen and grabs a hold of her hand. Everyone’s scared. I feel better knowing it isn’t just me.

  “Fuck you!” Colby screams, and then the sound of another dish breaking.

  I can picture Larry throwing it at him. I want to go in there so badly, to protect him, but I know it will make things worse. Larry’s made it clear that he doesn’t want me around. “Just because I’m happy to be alive doesn’t mean I care about him any less! I’m here, ain’t I? I flew all this way to be with my family, and him tomorrow, to what? Be treated like yesterday’s garbage?”

  Time seems to stand still as the obscenities and threats get thrown around like the footballs on the TV were when we came in earlier today. Eventually the yelling stops, Larry slams the door, and Maxine and Eddie leave. I finish the dishes and wrap up all of the leftovers before Anna comes back to the kitchen.

  “Oh, honey,” she sighs as she approaches me and takes me in her arms. “I am so sorry you had to be here for that. Please, don’t think any less of Colby. He doesn’t mean to yell back, but as I’m sure you probably heard, his daddy just provokes that kind of behavior from him.”

  Hugging her back, tears that have begged to be shed since I walked into this house, threaten to slide down my cheeks. My voice sounds shaky as I do my best at keeping them at bay. “I don’t, ma’am. I couldn’t, ever. He means the world to me.” I’m sad for them, all of them. Levi’s death shook them to their core, and unfortunately they just haven’t put their family back together yet. I can tell he was the thread that kept them together, and now that it’s missing, they’re falling apart at the seams.

  Raising her hand, she wipes the wetness from my cheek. The gesture is innocent, but it’s her kindness that catches me off guard. My own mother probably wouldn’t do that if I was looking her in the eyes and crying. Anna is wonderful. Colby’s lucky to have a mother like her, even if his dad is a piece of shit.

  “I’m gonna make us a pot of coffee. You do like coffee, don’t ya?” Anna spins around me and walks towards the pantry.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  After a few mugs and some much appreciated insight into their family dynamics, I stand up and straighten out my dress. I figured since we were having a nice family dinner, I’d look a little more presentable than wearing the jeans and boots I wore on the plane here. I didn’t foresee it turning into a war. “I’m going to go find Colby. I’m sure he needs someone to talk to.”

  Anna gives me a reassuring smile, “He’s most likely in the barn.” Turning on my heels, I head towards the back door. “Hensley.” I turn back around. “You ought to bring your guitar. Music is his therapy; I would bet a million dollars he’s out there playing.”

  I quietly walk upstairs and grab my guitar. I’m careful not to wake Larry as he lays asleep and snoring on the couch. Opening the back door, I walk towards the only barn that has a light on in it. The moon shines down, guiding my path, and strangely it isn’t freezing like it probably is at home. I guess that’s another perk of living in the South.

  The sounds of his acoustic lead me to him. His eyes are closed as his guitar rests on his lap. I don’t want to break the moment, or his rhythm, so I tiptoe closer. This sort of reminds me of that day at the center, when I was a sobbing mess. The tables are reversed now. He may not be visibly crying, but I know he is a mess inside.

  “That was lovely,” I whisper.

  “I’ve been writing it since I met you.”

  “Can you teach me?”

  He scoots over on the small bench and allows me to sit next to him. He doesn’t talk about what happened or what I heard; he only instructs me how to play. It’s a hard melody to grasp and I become frustrated quickly.

  “Quit overthinking it. Just feel it. Listen to me play it. Listen to the tune and then mimic me.” Closing his eyes, he opens his mouth to sing as his hands work the strings on the neck of his instrument.

  “Your eyes, your eyes they made me realize.

  Your lips, your lips they rendered me speechless.

  Your heart, your heart it gives me the beat, it carries me forward, and makes me believe.”

  I lied. This is just like the moment in the barn before. I’m a crying mess again. The raw emotion that pours out of his mouth as his lips sing those beautiful lyrics is moving.

  As soon as the song ends he says, “Now it’s your turn.”

  “I can’t do it.” I protest. “It’s too hard. I can’t just pick this up as easily as you can.”

  “Stop doubting yourself. You got this. Now watch me.” He plays the song a few more times. It’s still a little rough when I play it back to him, but he doesn’t care.

  Music is therapy; we’re living proof of it. The feelings that we have, the bad days and the good, we pour it all into our music. In that moment when we open our mouths and belt out a song, it heals us. Just like the song on your MP3 player you listen to on repeat over and over. You do it because it does something to you. It provokes emotions, sometimes that are hidden, and others that are right on the surface. But either way it heals you in ways that no one ever thought possible. Right now, in this moment, he’s healing, so I keep on playing in hopes that my efforts help him cope. I’m not foolish, I know he’s hurting, but the smile that spreads on his face when I finally get it right makes this moment worth it.

  The noises of crickets chirping and the yawns of exhau
stion coming from us tell us it’s time to go to bed. The lights are all off when we near the house other than a small lamp in the kitchen. Colby shows me to the bathroom, where I wash my face and brush my teeth. Making my way back to my bedroom, I hurry into my night clothes and crawl into bed. A few minutes later, I hear the door opening and see Colby standing in the frame.

  “You up?” he whispers. I don’t talk as I lift up the covers. He notices and walks towards the bed. We don’t kiss or speak. We just lay in one another’s arms, tangling ourselves as much as possible.

  “I’m thankful you invited me to come,” I finally say as his hands brush through my hair.

  “I’m the thankful one. You could have said no, but you didn’t. It means the world to me.”

  I feel horrible for having second thoughts about coming. “Why does he act like that?” My mouth opens to speak before my brain warns me to keep it shut.

  “He’s just, I don’t know, still upset over losing him. I wish he was better and that he didn’t turn to alcohol, but he did and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

  Sensing that he doesn’t want to talk about his father anymore, I tell him about my family. “My dad drinks too. It’s the only way he can cope with the fact that his cancer has spread. He’s done the whole chemo thing, but nothing has helped. So instead of fighting, or seeking help, he drinks.”

  Colby doesn’t say anything in response. He just kisses me, and makes me forget about the fact that we both have fucked up fathers.

  “ARE YOU SURE you don’t want to do this alone?” I query as he puts his truck into park. We sit in silence for a few moments outside of the cemetery. While most of America is out shopping and trying to find the latest deals, we’re sitting in our rain jackets and boots preparing to go talk to Levi.

  “This is why I brought you all the way here. I want you to meet my brother, Hensley.” His voice breaks as he fights the tears that I know are forming. “I’d love nothing more than you to meet him. Come on.”

  Opening my door, I step out and am thankful that Anna let me borrow her rain gear. The sky is dark and cloudy, and the wetness from the rain beating against the hood of the jacket makes my teeth chatter. We walk hand in hand, our feet splashing in the puddles as we approach the edge of another small walkway. “There’s a Grant family section just up this hill. He’s buried beside my grandparents.”

  Taking his hand, I walk in front of him, prepared to lead him and be the support system he needs me to be.

  “Can you…” he pauses. “Would you give me just a few minutes alone with him?”

  The rain hides the tears that are already falling from my face. No one should ever have to go through this. It pains me that he wants to do this alone, when he doesn’t have to. But like he told me this morning, he likes coming alone. He said that his mom always tries to come, but he’d rather be here with his brother, and no one else. So him inviting me, it means the world, but I realize that giving him a few moments without me hovering over him is okay, even if I just want to be here for support. “Yes, take all the time you need.”

  There’s a little gazebo nearby. I walk towards it in an attempt to get out of the rain. Sitting down, there’s nothing to look at other than Colby kneeling by his brother’s tombstone. The sight breaks my heart in two.

  BENDING DOWN, I run my hand along the granite stone in front of me. The grooves and outline of his name remind me that this is real. This is my reality – he’s gone and he’s never coming back. Trying to hold the tears back is a lost cause.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, man. I brought someone I want you to meet. It’s my girlfriend; her name’s Hensley. She sings like an angel. It’s so beautiful, just like her. She works at a farm; it’s a riding center for kids just like you. God, I wish I could bring you back with me. They have this boy there, his name’s Joshua, and he’s so sweet and full of energy. He reminds me of you. I’d do anything to see you guys play together and run with the animals there. Anyways, little bro, she wanted to meet you…I wanted her to meet you. I hope that’s okay.”

  What I wouldn’t do to hear him answer me.

  “I hope you’re being good in heaven and not giving God a hard time. Remember what I said, you always treat adults with respect. No matter who they are, okay? I can’t wait to see you again…” Choking on my sobs, I hold my hand over my mouth and lose myself to the emotions that I’ve been trying so hard to keep under lock and key. It’s only been a year since I was here last, talking to him, but it feels like ages since he’s been gone. I was a freshman in high school when it happened. He never got to see me play varsity football, or graduate high school, not in person anyway.

  “Colby, can I come over there?”

  When I turn to look at her, she looks scared to come any closer. I nod and quickly wipe my eyes and then murmur, “I love you, Levi.”

  Her smile is infectious. This isn’t a happy moment, but she’s smiling. Like always, she knows exactly what I need, just like she did last night. Sitting, playing that song with her, it helped me more than she knows. I wouldn’t put it past my momma to have told her where I went. She knows me well too.

  “I, umm…you’ve been up here a while. I thought maybe I could talk to him too?”

  She kneels down beside me, reaches up, and runs her soft hands down his wet tombstone. “Hey there, Levi, I’m Hensley. I appreciate your brother bringing me here to finally meet you. He talks about you all the time, so it’s nice to spend this moment with him. I promise you I’ll take good care of him, and make all his dreams come true. Like music. He told me you were his biggest influence and he wants to make you proud. I know he loves and misses you, Levi, and there isn’t a day that your memory doesn’t affect him.” I reach over and grab her hand. Her being here, talking to him, I know it’s genuine and it makes me care about her more. It brings how I feel about her to a whole other level, I can’t even explain it. “Tell my dog, Rosie, that I love her, will ya?”

  Grabbing her hand, I stand up and then pull her up with me.

  “Bye, brother, I love you,” I whisper.

  Hensley wipes a tear from under her eyelid, “It was nice to meet you, Levi. Thank you for giving us your blessing.”

  Perplexed, I ask. “His blessing? What do you mean?”

  She shrugs her shoulders.

  “Hensley, tell me.”

  “I just feel like we have his blessing. I don’t know why, okay? It’s just a feeling. I feel content, that he understands how much I love you and adore you. That’s all.”

  Taking one last look at my brother’s final resting spot, I turn towards the small pathway. The walk is only a few feet to my truck, and as we stroll in a comfortable silence a strange sense of need washes over me. Maybe it’s the emotional encounter of being here, or the mere fact that she did so great sitting in the rain talking to him or maybe it’s the fact that since she’s been here she’s seen my father freak out and she hasn’t gone running for the hills yet. The combination of all of those things should make my heart flutter, but if we’re being honest, it makes me want to make love to her – raw, passionate, out of this world love. There’s only so much a man can take. I’ve been fighting these urges, waiting for the right time, but…fuck, I love this girl. If there was ever a lingering feeling that maybe she wasn’t the one for me, it’s gone now. The vulnerability of this moment has disappeared and is replaced with a lust so pure it’s almost palpable.

  Stopping dead in my tracks, I pick Hensley up and toss her over my shoulder. Squeals and giggles escape her mouth as she hits my back lightly. The ground is wet, but I don’t care as I walk as fast as I can towards my truck. I can’t take it. Pulling my keys out of my pocket, I unlock the driver’s side door and then stand Hensley back up.

  “What has gotten into you?” she chuckles. The sweet sound renders me speechless.

  Gripping Hensley, I pull her towards me, causing her to lose her footing and stumble onto the wet, muddy ground. Kneeling down in front of her, I hold up her hand and brush
away the wet leaves that are stuck to her palm. Making sure she’s okay from the fall, I look into her eyes and push a damp piece of brunette hair off her cheek. Lunging forward she grabs me. Her hold is firm around my shoulders, and her face is nuzzled into the nook of my neck. She holds me like she’s never letting go, and I hold her knowing that after hearing her talk to him, I’m never, ever, letting her go.

  The rain stops, and the sun slowly starts to come back as the cloud that was hiding it moves. I’m not really a big believer in the supernatural or anything like that, but I do feel a sense of calm. Like Levi is telling me, solidifying, what I already know – she’s the one, for always. And then it strikes me, this is the blessing she mentioned.

  I don’t know what comes over me, but I have an urge to be inside her. This isn’t the time or place to be ripping her clothes off, I know that. But I cherish her, and I want her now, more than ever. She’s perfect for me and now there is nothing else that she doesn’t know about me. My Pops has acted crazy, and she’s met my deceased brother, there’s no going back. Our bond is deep, it’s unbreakable. There’s only moving forward, and she’s already made it clear that she wants me. She gave me the okay that night at Mitch’s. I should have taken her V-card then, but I couldn’t stomach it. Not then, not when we were both so full of lust, and her of alcohol. It would have been meaningless sex then, but not today. Today a different kind of lust hangs between us. It’s a need. I need to feel her around me. I need to see her come undone by my doing.

  Moving my head to the side, I kiss her. It’s an urgent, hungry, soul-quenching kiss. I don’t care that we’re both muddy and wet, or that we’re in a cemetery. All I care about is making her mine, fully. This is the last way I know how to. This is all kinds of wrong to be feeling this way, especially after bawling my eyes out just seconds ago, but I need this. I need her to be close to me, as close as humanly possible.