In the Lyrics Read online

  “If I would have known she was calling him, I would have called her a cab myself.”

  Turning around to face the bar, I see Mitch standing behind it.

  “I know you got it bad. You have for a while now, but you might just need to accept that she isn’t the Hensley she once was. My point is, from the looks of it, she’s moved on. You might need to do the same.”

  Nodding my head, I acknowledge what he’s saying and then walk away towards the employee bathroom.

  Locking the door behind me, I turn on the faucet and lean forward. Cold water fills my hands, and I splash it on my face. Why did you have to come home, Hensley? Why couldn’t you have just stayed in Cali? Pulling out my phone, I send a quick message to Dusty telling him what’s been going on since she got back. He tells me to man up and tell her how I feel, or felt. Really I don’t know if it’s present or past tense because I don’t know how I feel anymore. One minute I don’t ever want to see her face again, and the next I’m wishing she was standing right in front of me. I know the only way I’m going to find closure is with the answers I’ve been longing to get for a while now. But they’ll have to wait because tomorrow is her dad’s funeral and then Thanksgiving is two days after that.

  For some reason, I have an uneasy feeling about her leaving with Logan. I know Mrs. Blair thinks her son hung the moon, but to me he’s nothing but a pile of useless horseshit.

  LOGAN DRIVES US back to his small apartment and is a gentleman as he opens the door for me.

  “Thank you.” I smile as he gestures me out of his car.

  Leading me up a set of stairs, his hand rests at the small of my back. He only moves it to unlock his apartment door. The space looks like a small loft, but it’s nice and clean. Nothing like I remember him being before. Time really did him well.

  “It’s small, but it’s home.” He walks by me and opens the refrigerator. “Would you like a beer?”

  When I nod, he hands me one and I sit on his couch. The remnants of my buzz still linger, but I pretty much sobered up from the look in Colby’s eyes when I told him I was staying with Logan. It was a low blow, I know it, but it felt good to get him back for fucking Brittani. When are you going to stop these games? You’re older now, it’s ‘bout time you grew up!

  Conversation fills the room as we both talk about what’s new in our lives.

  “I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to be with your mom. I stopped by there today and she seems pretty lonely.”

  Sitting next to me, he extends his arms on the back of the couch. “It’s not that I don’t want to be there. I do, trust me. It’s just that she isn’t herself anymore. Once my dad left, she shut down. Since you’ve been there, I’m sure she talked your ear off about it. She stopped caring, and got really depressed. It started affecting me and my studies. I couldn’t handle being around her, so I moved out. Finished my classes and am student teaching now. I love it. The feeling of knowing you have such an impact on future generations is truly amazing.”

  I say a silent prayer that my mom doesn’t get depressed and stop caring about herself. Logan must have sensed my emotion as he scoots closer to me.

  “I’m really glad you’re back, Hensley. I wish it was under different circumstances, but it’s nice to see you.”

  Thoughts of my mom in oversized clothes with a thinned body make me wish I lived closer. What happens when I go back to Cali? Will she become like Mrs. Blair? What if she starts drinking like Dad did?

  Logan’s hand brushes over my cheek. “Don’t be upset. I still go over there. I don’t help out around the farm because Colby is always there. He normally has the chores done before I’m even out of school, so there’s no need. But I am there for her. I bring movies by and watch them with her, or I try and take her out to dinner. She doesn’t like leaving the farm. Truthfully, I think she’s ashamed and doesn’t want the town to see how broken she is.”

  “I was just thinking about my mom and how she’s going to react when I leave. Will you keep an eye on her? Please, for me, Logan. Make sure she’s okay, and if she isn’t, call me. I’ll leave my number with you.”

  Running the tip of his thumb over my upper lip, he says, “I’ll do anything for you.” And then he leans forward and kisses me. I’m taken off guard as his warm lips meet mine. I’m not ashamed to say I haven’t kissed anyone since I kissed Colby goodbye, and this is new for me. Having someone else’s lips on mine is strange. Closing my eyes, I try and feel it, get into the kiss by opening my mouth wider and accepting Logan’s tongue. It doesn’t work. Raising my hands, I hold his face and press his mouth harder to mine. The scruff on his chin tickles, but the closeness doesn’t excite me.

  Jerking my head away, I know I shouldn’t have come home with him. It isn’t fair to him, Colby, or myself. “Logan, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. It was extremely selfish of me to come back here.”

  He looks me in the eyes as he wipes the wetness from our mouths off of his lips. “It’s because of him, right? Just like last time? I’m just a pawn. Did you ever consider the fact that he may not love you anymore, that maybe you being here and feeling this between us is because he’s over you?”

  “I’m really sorry,” I mutter. “Honestly, I was…I’m just in a bad place in my life, but I genuinely did want to come see you. I’m so proud that you’re student teaching.”

  “He’s with Brittani, Hensley. You know that, right? They live together and probably share a bed for all I know.” He attempts to use his words to take a dig at me. Luckily, I realize what he’s doing, just like he used to do in the past. I guess he hasn’t changed as much as I hoped.

  “Logan, I’m truly sorry for tonight.” Standing up, I straighten my shirt and then attempt to walk to the door. Before I can move past the coffee table in front of the couch, he grabs my arm.

  “You’re not going anywhere. You came here for a reason. You called me, remember?”

  Sitting down, I grab both of his hands in mine. “I know I called you. Like I said, I did want to talk to you, but I can see you thought I wanted more. I’m sorry, but I really think I should go.”

  Moving his hands over mine, he closes them; his grip is tight, and frankly, it scares me. For a few brief moments, we don’t move. We just sit, staring into one another’s eyes, and then in a split second, I’m being pushed backwards onto the couch.

  “Now lie down and spread those pretty legs and give me what I’ve been waiting a long time for!”

  My skin crawls, like actually moves. I can feel it as he clasps my arms so tightly I can’t even wiggle underneath him. “Stop! You don’t have to do this. Please, Logan, please!” I beg him as I kick my legs and try to shove him off of me.

  “Hensley, baby, calm down. It doesn’t have to be this way. You know I’ve wanted you forever, and I know you want me too. Just relax and give yourself to me. Forget about Colby; he isn’t here. We could have been great together, but you wouldn’t ever give me a chance.” He leans forward and his close proximity to my mouth makes me nervous. “He walks into your life, and bam, it’s Colby this and Colby that. I was there too, ya know? I was waiting for you to pull yourself out of his ass and notice me. But the only times you did is when you wanted to make him jealous. Just like tonight. So what we’re going to do is fuck, and you’re going to enjoy it. And maybe when we’re done you’ll realize how good we could have been together.”

  Closing my eyes, I start to pray. Dear Lord, please don’t let him rape me. I should have never come back here with him. Why do I always get myself in the worst situations? But even worse, why isn’t he accepting I’m saying no? I don’t deserve this. No woman does. Oh, please stop touching me.

  “Think again, Logan,” the voice of an angel calls out as my eyes dart up and see the outline of a man standing in the open doorframe of the apartment.

  Logan jumps up off of me and the couch, his hands clenched into fists. I scoot back and hold my legs, too scared to move.

  “How’d you know where I live?�
�� Logan’s voice sounds startled as he eyes our new guest.

  “It doesn’t matter, but let me tell you something that does,” Colby raises his hand and points at me. “She matters, she matters a lot actually, and to walk in here and see what you were about to do makes me want to kill you. Right here, right now. But I’ll spare Hensley the sight of that, because I can tell she’s been through enough. Come on, Sunshine.” Colby holds his hand out. Nervous to move, I look between him and Logan. “Don’t be scared, he can’t hurt you anymore.”

  Standing up, I all but run into Colby’s arms. His strong arms grab me and pull me close to him. As he embraces me, he says to Logan, “I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and think that you weren’t about to do what I think you were, but I don’t think you’re the type of dude who deserves the benefit of the doubt. So I’m going to leave it up to Hensley and what she wants to do about this little situation. If she wants to press charges, we will; if she wants that face of yours to get a beating, it will.”

  Logan’s voice is low as he mumbles, “Is that a threat?”

  “It’s a promise, and you and I both know how well I cherish those, right? Just ask your momma, because the minute you abandoned her, I promised her I’d be there to fill that void.”

  Holding my arms firmly around Colby, I tremble as I say, “Logan, you told me you still help her and watch movies with her. Was that a lie? Tell me it wasn’t!”

  He doesn’t answer me.

  “You’re a fucking teacher! You’re…you’re just as horrible as your father. She hates him, you know, and she’d hate you too if she knew what you were going to do!” I shout at the man I thought I knew in front of me.

  “Hens, he hasn’t seen his mom in a very long time. He might as well be dead, which isn’t a bad idea. But I’m not about to go to jail for his sorry ass. Logan, don’t you ever talk to Hensley again. If you see her at the gas station before she leaves, I want you to turn the other way. Do you understand me?”

  “Fuck you!” Logan shouts.

  In a prompt, Colby’s arms untangle themselves from around me and he is standing in front of Logan. Their faces are so close, I’m certain their noses are touching. “I will end you over her and what you were going to do to her. It’s not a threat and it’s not even a promise, it’s my word. I don’t go back on my word. I will end you, and no one on this planet will even notice.”

  Pushing backwards from Logan’s chest, Colby grabs my hand and leads me out the door. I don’t dare look back to see Logan.

  Tears fall from my eyes as we hit the bottom step of the apartment complex.

  “I’m so sorry, Sunshine.” He pulls me close.

  The air is cold as it hits my wet cheeks.

  “How did you know where I was?” I choke out through my sobs.

  “I had a really bad feeling. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because you were a little tipsy. I just…I just needed to make sure you were okay. Logan’s still the same scumbag he was. He just masks it a little better.”

  “Thank you for saving me.”

  “No need to thank me. I told you a long time ago I wouldn’t ever let anything bad happen to you, and just like I told Logan, I never go back on my word.”

  Colby opens the passenger side door for me and I climb in. It’s still warm from running on his way here. Clutching my purse in my arms, emotions overwhelm me. He doesn’t start the engine as he climbs into the driver’s side.

  “You need to think about what you’re planning on doing. If you want to report this, I think we ought to go to the station now, while everything’s fresh.”

  “No. No, I can’t do that. My label. No, I can’t cause a stir right now. Please drive me home.” Holding my hand in front of my mouth, I attempt to steady my breathing.

  “Hensley, screw your label. You were just attacked. You need to tell the police.”

  Mustering up all the strength left in me, I sternly grunt, “I said no.”

  “Okay.” He doesn’t say another word the entire ride home, but he does reach across the center of his truck and grab my hand. In this moment, it means more to me than I can even explain.

  WAKING UP IN the morning, my chest is sore and tight from crying myself to sleep. Colby was still angry with me when he dropped me off at home. He’s right – I know going to the police is the right thing to do, but I can’t do that to my career right now. I’ve worked too hard to be where I am, just to throw it away when the media gets ahold of this story. Plus nothing happened, he didn’t do anything. Yes, he was probably going to try. He used to do crap like that all the time, pushing me, scaring me.

  I was almost raped.

  Vowing to never bring it up again, I shower, and then go downstairs and meet my mom for breakfast.

  “You look tired, honey. I know this trip has been hard on you. Once we get through today, things are bound to get better. They have to,” my mom says as I enter the kitchen.

  “I was thinking that I might need to head out after the funeral. It’s paid for in full, and I went ahead and wrote you a check. It’s in your nightstand drawer. Just deposit it and pay the house off. I don’t want you to have to worry about money anymore.”

  Opening her mouth, she says, “But…”

  “But nothing, Mom. Once I leave, I don’t know how long I’ll be gone for and I don’t want to have to worry about the lights getting turned off or you not having food on the table. Just stop…let me take care of you for once. You’ve been doing it my whole life, putting me first, giving up your dreams for me. I’ve lived ‘em, Mom, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Once the glitz and glam fades, you’re just a normal person, living a life that is anything but normal. I have the means to take care of you now, so let me.”

  “All right, baby girl. I’ll let you, but know that you’re welcome here anytime. Day or night, I’ll always leave the light on for you.”

  At least someone will.

  “I know, Mom. I love you too. Now come on, let’s eat and get today over with. I just want to move on. It’s too hard thinking about Dad lying in a casket. That isn’t him in there. He’s in here,” I hold my hand over my heart and choke back tears. Yeah, things were rocky between my dad and I. He was a drunk who’d rather bury his face in a bottle than spend time with his only child, but he was still my dad. He still cheered me on when I first learned to ride a bike and play guitar. I still loved him despite his flaws, and this still hurts.

  We spend the morning mourning my father and the afternoon packing up some of his clothes. I already pre-arranged an appointment for the VA to come and pick things up, but due to Thanksgiving, they aren’t able to come until Friday – Black Friday.

  The funeral was nice, as nice as one can be at least. Several of my father’s friends came, and a few of our cousins from out of town. His parents weren’t able to make it due to their own health conditions, but Mom understood and agreed to have the funeral home’s director send them a memorial card with the eulogy on it. I admit I looked around the room several times searching for Colby’s face, but he never came. I guess it’s a good thing, especially with how things have been between us.

  As we laid my dad to rest, I thought a lot about what letting go actually means. You can love someone unconditionally, and they can even love you back, but like death, there are so many of life’s obstacles that keep us apart. Sometimes it’s best to know when to throw in the towel. It’s realizing that, the fight, our time in the ring, was over a long time ago – there’s no one to blame but myself.

  Riding in the car on the way back home from the funeral, I can tell my mom is emotionally drained. Her eyes are swollen from crying all week and her nose is raw from the many tissues she’s gone through.

  “Mom, I know Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and this may be short notice, but do you want to come back to California with me? My label hosts this giant party with all the fixings and I think you’d really like it. Honestly, I just don’t want you home alone on your first holiday. Please come back with me, even
if it’s just for a week. Come see how I live, see the studio and all the things you missed out on because you chose to raise me.”

  Despairingly, she looks to the side and frowns, “I really don’t want to be alone, but I had already bought everything before your dad…just before. Would you consider canceling your flight and staying here, just for a little bit longer?”

  Picking up my cell phone, I dial Robert’s number and tell him that I need to cancel my flight for tonight. A small smile rests on my mom’s face as she drives the rest of the way home. It’s the least I can do, and a small part of me wants to stay, wants to see if things can ever be normal like they once were. I know this isn’t a fairytale, and I can’t possibly ever go back to how things were before, but a girl can dream.

  She decides to take a nap when we get back home. So I decide to go into the kitchen and get a head start on preparing dinner. A knock on the door startles me. Walking towards the front door, I look out of the peephole and see Colby. I thought I’d be able to slide out of town again unnoticed.

  Opening the door, my lips chatter as the cold winter air rushes in.

  “Hey.” He places both hands in his jacket pockets as he rocks back and forth on his heels.

  “Hi.”

  “Do you care if I come in for a second?”

  Moving over in the doorway, he walks in.

  “I’m sorry to just stop by unannounced, but I wanted to give you my condolences. I had an early shift at the bar and wasn’t able to get off in time for the funeral. But I wanted you to know that I stopped by and left some flowers.”

  He’s so sweet, he’s so…him.

  “That was awful thoughtful. Thank you.”