A Graceful Mess Read online

  Her words do nothing to help the hurt I feel inside. I understand them wanting a child, and I am more than grateful they chose me – I have lived an amazing life – but what I can’t grasp is them never telling me, and now to hear they knew about Brody and I having this odd connection. It physically makes me sick.

  “Thank you for being honest, finally.” Standing up I grab my stuffed animal and leave the room without a second glance. I know it may seem cruel to just walk out on two people that have loved me and done everything in their power to protect me, but I feel so hollow and numb. The world doesn’t seem like this great place I once pictured it as. My soul has been crushed over and over repeatedly by people I love. Parker, he is the only one who hasn’t betrayed me. Climbing into the driver's seat, I put my car in drive and head towards Cave Court Road.

  Standing in the kitchen, I see headlights beaming down the road. The car comes to a screeching stop. My eyes watch as the driver’s side door flings open and Grace steps out holding a stuffed animal. She stands there, staring out into the field, not moving. Watching her from my window, I see her take a step, and then another, until she is running full force, clutching the stuffed animal in her arms. I run towards the front door and step out on the porch.

  “Grace,” I shout, but her feet keep moving. The field is huge and hasn’t been mowed. The grass is overgrown and most of it is a brownish, dead color. The only thing living near it are wild animals and cattails sprouting out of the ground. Standing on the porch, I see her small frame finally stop. She bends and then her small hands cover her face. I don’t know what happened at her parents’, but whatever it is it can’t be good.

  I grab my tennis shoes from the nearby basket and slip them on. As I run towards my precious girl, the sounds of her crying feel like someone is holding a sharp knife to my chest, shoving it in and twisting. Knowing why she is crying hurts even worse. They must have told her the truth. A truth I wish I didn’t know or wasn’t ever aware of. Feeling like a fraud, I kneel beside her and take her into my arms. She lets me. That’s a good sign I guess. If she knew, I doubt that she would let me this close to her. Holding her in my arms like a baby, we walk in silence back to the house. I set her down on the front porch and then walk inside and grab a throw blanket off the back of the couch. I don’t know if she is cold, but she doesn’t look well and I just want to make her as comfortable as possible in this shitty situation.

  “Thank you.” She sniffles as I wrap the blanket around her.

  The pain I felt when Brody shot me is nothing compared to the pain I feel in my chest right now. Knowing that Grace is upset, watching someone I love so dearly hurting so badly, the emotional pain of seeing her heart breaking in front of me, is worse than any physical pain I have ever experienced.

  “It’s true, Parker. They told me everything. I’m adopted, and the icing on the cake is Brody and I…we were childhood best friends. We, umm…lived in the same orphanage together. My parents…Joseph and Karen, God, I don’t even know what to call them, but they said I didn’t remember anything. They took me to see a counselor who said I suppressed the memories. It’s weird because that dream, the one I told you that I kept having, in it I have this stuffed animal.”

  Kneeling down beside her, I sit on the wooden porch as her words catch me off guard. Both are admissions I was already aware of, but I do my best to play it off. Although it isn’t as hard as I thought to act surprised. Hearing the words come from her mouth is a shock, one she should never have to deal with. I know this is not the time to drag my lies and secrets into the mess. It would kill her, and honestly I don’t think I would recover from the pain of losing her either. Reaching out I wrap my arm around her shivering body. She leans her head onto my shoulder and cries. Her tears soak through my t-shirt and leave a black stain of mascara.

  I can’t do it. I can’t lie to her anymore.

  My heart races as I debate whether or not to tell her, here and now. Her world has already been rocked, and I don’t want to add to her despair, but what kind of awful person would it make me if I continued to hide this from her?

  Without thinking I whisper, “Grace, I know your father.” A few seconds pass before either of us moves and then she tilts her head up off my shoulder. Her swollen eyes appear a little bit wider than they were. The look on her face instantly makes me want to take back my words and shove them back down my throat and pretend like they were never spoken.

  “I’m sorry, what did you say? Parker, tell me now! What did you say?” My forehead crinkles as I speak those dreaded words again.

  “I know who your biological father is.”

  “And how do you know that? Please tell me you’re lying. Please tell me, Parker. Tell me you haven’t betrayed me too! I can’t handle that. You are the one person left on the face of the planet who hasn’t lied to me. Tell me, dammit!”

  My world stops turning on its axis. The sun doesn’t seem to shine, and the birds stop chirping. My chest feels like it is closing in on me, as I desperately try to swallow as much air as possible to fill my lungs. The overwhelming need to fix the situation, this stupid fucked up situation, is out of control. I should have left her alone that night at the bar. Everyone warned me her beauty would suck me in, and here we sit, watching our lives crumble right in front of us. Her eyes stay glued on mine, begging me to lie. As much as I want to, the truth is out now. There is no going back.

  “I am so, so sorry.”

  “Parker, what are you sorry for? Fucking tell me! I at least deserve to know what everyone in my family has been hiding from me.”

  I don’t move or blink. Today is the worst day of my life. It’s either now or never. Taking a gulp of air, I open my mouth and start at the beginning. If I don’t get it out now, I am scared she won’t give me the time of day to explain things later on.

  “Grace, I am a private investigator. I was hired by your biological father, Mark Jacobs.” Her eyes widen as she recognizes his name. It was only yesterday she ran into him. The realization of my revelation silences her. “He hired me to keep an eye on you, until the election was over with. I didn’t know I would end up falling in love with you. I didn’t know about Brody. I didn’t know, Grace.” I’m not ashamed to cry. Especially as I peer into her eyes that are full of hate, her hate for me. Sniffling, I try and reach out to her, but she jumps up as soon as my finger grazes her skin. The blanket falls from her body, as it hits the ground she steps away from it, and me.

  “Grace, please let me explain. There is so much you don’t know.”

  “You’re right, Parker, there is. I don’t know you. I thought I did, but you just proved to be as deceitful as everyone else. How could you know I was adopted for months, make me fall in love with you and then just casually tell me you were hired to watch me? And I thought Brody was a creep! You are just like him. Do you have diaries too? Oh, that’s right. I’m your job. You probably have files after files with every detail of my life typed out on nice letterhead!” Taking a step towards her, another tear falls from my eye and slides down my cheek. The wetness is a reminder that this is real. This isn’t a horrible nightmare I can’t wake up from. As much as her words sting me, I deserve to be compared to that monster. I failed her; I failed us.

  “Grace, you know I am nothing like him. I know you’re hurt, but please let me explain. I love you more than I love myself. I would never hurt you on purpose. We can work this out; we can overcome this. You know what we have is real, sweetheart.”

  “Don’t come any closer. I’m not kidding – stop!” Wrapping my arms around her, she pushes me and tries to shove my chest. Her arms fly into the air as she thrashes around trying to break free from my arms.

  “Calm down. I’m not going to hurt you. Please stop hitting me!” Her body shakes as tears run down her face. With every smack to my chest, I feel like I am losing her. Letting go of her body, I step away from her just in time for her hand to connect with my face. My cheek stings from the impact, but it is well deserved. I know that.


  “I hate you, Parker Porter, and I never want to see you again.” She cries as she gasps for air and then turns around and runs to her car, leaving me standing watching her in disbelief that this is actually happening, unfolding before my eyes. Seeing her run off, I have no one to blame but myself. Myself, and her father, Mr. Jacobs.

  Have you ever heard of hysterical strength? The whole child trapped under a car ordeal, and the mother has so much adrenaline pumping through her veins that she is actually able to lift a full-sized car off her child. That’s a little extreme, but close to how I am feeling right now.

  Putting my car into reverse, I slam on the pedal causing the wheels to screech. Taking one last look at the man I thought I knew, the man I thought I loved, before speeding off down the narrow driveway. All I know is that everyone I trusted, or thought I could trust, has lied to me in one way or another, but for some strange reason I have an overpowering desire to see Brody. Not for his enjoyment, but for my own. I want to look him in the eyes and tell him to go to hell. He started all of this. Sure, it wasn’t his fault we met in an orphanage, but it was his fault for luring me into a relationship when he was aware I didn’t know him or remember our past, one we shared. The anger that fills my mind isn’t healthy – I’m smart enough to know that, and I’m smart enough to know I shouldn’t be driving to see him right now. I know I shouldn’t, but my heart isn’t listening to my head. I want to see him face to face when I tell him he singlehandedly ruined my life.

  My tires roll on the road that guides me towards the prison. Pulling into a visitor’s parking spot, I turn the ignition off and grab my purse. The building is massive and has a large fenced in field where I can see a handful of inmates in orange jumpsuits. Some are huddled together and some are playing basketball. The thought that each of them did something to land them here makes me sick. I remember the first time I visited a prison. It was my sophomore year of college and one of my professors thought it would be a good learning experience if we spent the day pretending to be inmates. His reason behind the madness was that one day we might be defending someone, someone that actually might have committed a crime. He wanted us to know what it was like on the inside.

  My feet move me closer to the door as two guards guide a prisoner inside.

  Brody.

  Just the sight of him makes my stomach churn. There is no way I am anywhere close to being able to face him again. Turning around I walk as fast as my feet will carry me and head back to my car and drive home.

  “Maci, I know he keeps calling. You don’t have to tell me every time the phone rings.” Huffing I move the pillow my head was resting on over my face. My oversized t-shirt and sweatpants are a clear indication as to how I am feeling, but my annoyance with Maci is growing rapidly inside my head. For the last five days she has done nothing but basically root for Parker. She might as well wear a cute fitted t-shirt that says “Forgive Parker Porter” on it or something. Whether it’s my parents calling, or Parker, my phone has been buzzing constantly for the past five days. I’m not ready to see any of them, and honestly I don’t know when I will be ready to face the truth.

  “Gracie, you know I love you like my own sister, and guess what, no one cares that you’re adopted.”

  I doubt she meant to sucker punch me in the face with her words, but that’s how I am feeling now. Wrinkling up my nose and forehead, it’s apparent she hurt my feelings.

  “That was a bit harsh. Here move over.” Picking up my legs she moves closer to me. Setting them on of her thighs she continues, “What I meant was the pity party has to stop. I know you’re hurt, angry, and probably have a million questions, but none of those are going to get answered as long as you’re sitting in here pouring cheap, boxed wine down your throat all day. You need to get up and shower, number one, because you stink, number two, because, well, you stink.” Nudging her with my foot, she laughs.

  “Seriously, Grace, your parents and Parker both love you and I know how much you care about them, but hiding out isn’t going to solve anything. Confronting the issue is the only way you’re going to be able to heal. Forgiving them all is another choice you’re going to have to make, but for starters you just need to get your cute, little butt up and confront them. I know how much Joseph and Karen love you, and look at it this way, if they never would have adopted you, I never would have met you.” Every word coming from her mouth is right, and all things I know. I’m just taking the coward’s way out. Pulling my legs up to my chest I lean forward and kiss her on the cheek.

  “Do you know how much I hate that you’re right?” I frown.

  “Probably as much as I hate you’re going through this.”

  Standing up I pour the last of the wine into my glass and tilt my head back. The liquid is warm, since it has been sitting out on the coffee table while I watched horror movies all day, but I don’t care. It’s helped take the edge off a little bit.

  “I’m going to shower and then maybe take a drive to clear my head. Then I’ll decide what I’m going to do next. I love you, no homo.” Maci turns her head to look at me as I walk backwards down the hallway.

  “I love you too, Gracie.”

  That shower was possibly one of the best I’ve had in a long time. There was no phone ringing, no thoughts running through my mind, just me, alone in the silence of the bathroom. After an hour of standing there, the water finally got cold. Deciding to get out, I get dressed and put on something other than workout attire. Making my way to my car, my cell phone rings. Without thinking I open my purse and hit accept.

  “Grace, oh hell, sweetheart, you answered. We need to talk. Please I need to see you. I love you and this is killing me.” Holding the phone away from my ear I can see his picture on my screen; his handsome face and captivating hazel eyes stare right through me. Any other time I would do anything to see him in person, to see his face, but right now looking at him on the screen, hearing his voice makes me want to march back upstairs and open another box of Chardonnay. I don’t think I have a problem, but I can see why people turn to alcohol. Deciding that isn’t the best route I hit end call and proceed to walk towards my car. I don’t know where I’m headed, but I know I need to get as far away from this town as I can. Turning on my car, I drive out of my complex and onto the busy street following others until I hit the highway.

  I thought the quietness of being on the open road with nowhere particular to go would help, but it doesn’t. My mind continues to wander when all I want it to do is shut down. My right foot presses down on the accelerator causing the car to go faster. That phone call, hearing him plead, the sadness of his voice, didn’t make matters better. I thought I was ready to face him, but clearly I am not.

  Trees and open land pass by my windows in one long and steady blur. Images of Brody, hovering over me, taking my virginity, make my body shake in disgust, and then his face is replaced with Parker’s. His sweet touch, the glimmer in his gorgeous, hazel eyes, the way his dark chocolate hair hung over his eyes as his lips parted and he lowered his mouth to kiss me.

  Was it all fake? Was it part of his job? Did he ever really care about me?

  My skin crawls as my mind races through memories.

  I need a drink.

  Slowing down, I take the first exit I see and pull into a small parking lot. There is a neon sign out front of the small, white building that says Trixie’s. Only the r,i, and x are lit up, as the other bulbs are all burnt out. I guess no one has replaced them. Parking the car, I reach down onto the floorboard and grab my purse. Pulling my cell phone out, I debate telling Maci where I am, then tossing it onto the seat I decide not to.

  The place looks deserted, other than a few pickup trucks parked by what appears to be the main entrance. Pulling down my visor, I glance in the mirror and run my fingers through my hair. Looking somewhat presentable, I open the door and get out of the car. Who knows what’s going on inside of this place, and honestly I don’t care. All I care about is getting a drink, and becoming numb so I don’t
have to deal with my life right now.

  Opening the door I am greeted with a cloud of cigar smoke and eyes turning my way. There is a small stage to my left, with a long, shiny steel pole down the middle and a small bar in front of me. Several stools are occupied by men in jeans and cowboy hats. One in particular catches my eye. He looks over at me and bends down the brim of his hat and nods. I’ve never been someone who slept around, went to random bars, or did anything dangerous, but maybe that’s why I keep getting myself into these horrible situations. Maybe, because I have been too shy trying to live my life on the good side, bad things flock to me. Maybe it’s time to step out of my comfort zone and do something…or someone.

  If being Maci’s best friend for years has taught me anything, it’s how to seduce someone. Not that I ever cared about her ‘ways’ in the past, but they might come in handy tonight.

  I just want to forget.

  My hips sway from side to side as I make my way up to the bar. Sitting on a stool next to the tall, tanned man that caught my eye, I stick out my hand and wave for the bartender. An older, gray-haired woman slowly walks my way. There is a dirty dishtowel hung over one of her shoulders and a lit, half-smoked cigarette clinging to her pink stained lips.