A Graceful Mess Read online

  Maci walks out of the glass doors and comes and sits next to me on the concrete curb.

  “Hey, you okay out here?”

  “I guess.” Her hand reaches out and grabs mine.

  “Look, Parker, I’m just as scared as you are. We all are, but I know she’ll be okay. Our Grace is a fighter.”

  Little does Maci know that I know exactly how much of a fighter she is. She’s been fighting fate her whole life. Brody, the adoption, and now this. I know how strong my girl is. If she could fight a little bit longer, I would help her get through the rest.

  “I know. Thanks for coming out here. Do you think you could help me find Mrs. Clearwater?”

  “Sure, come on.” Maci says as she stands up. We make our way back inside and down the hallway, hand in hand in search of Grace’s mom and answers.

  The pain in my stomach brings me back as I open my eyes. Blood and tears cloud my vision, but I can faintly see a man, a man in orange, drawing closer to me. Barely able to talk, I mumble, “Parker,” before my eyes shut again and I drift off into a peaceful slumber.

  Dying is surprisingly easy. It doesn’t hurt like one would think. It’s peaceful. The only reminder of what you are leaving behind on earth is the flashbacks of your memories.

  His face is the only thing grounding me, keeping me hanging on. Everything else seems so small in comparison to moving on, without him.

  My head feels as if someone is standing on it and pressing down with their heel, over and over again, and my stomach feels empty. Like I could literally eat a cow right now, and I might, if I knew where I was. Opening one eye, the brightness of wherever I am is a little overwhelming. Grunting, I try not to move because my body is stiff. It feels like I’ve been run over by a truck.

  Oh my God, have I?

  One of my hands feels heavier than the other. Trying not to move too much, I tilt my neck to the side and glance down.

  Parker?

  His head is resting on his hand that is covering mine.

  “Parker,” I whisper as I swallow. He doesn’t move. Closing my eyes, I muster up all of my strength and try to move my hand. It barely budges, but it’s enough to wake him. Opening my eyes again, he slowly raises his head and looks up. Those beautiful hazel eyes connect with mine, and for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel like I am home.

  “Grace? Are you…are you awake?” His voice sounds hoarse and his hair is disheveled, like it hasn’t been washed. He seems shocked that I am awake and alert. It worries me.

  “Thank God.” He lowers his head back down to my hand and kisses me softly. His lips feel warm against my cold skin.

  “I love you,” I whisper, remembering that’s what I was saying as a car struck me from behind. Closing my eyes, I recall the crash. I was rushing to the hospital, because Maci told me my dad had a heart attack. Jumping in my car, I pulled away from the grimy, old bar and was speeding back towards town. When I got close to my exit Parker called me. The phone rang and rang. I don’t know why, but I answered it right as I pulled off of the exit and was stopped at a red light. I was so upset with him, but for some reason I wanted to hear his voice. He said he loved me and then hung up before he heard me say it back, and then I was jolted forward. Glass shards flew everywhere and I landed on my back, somewhere. Telling Parker I loved him were the last words I remember speaking, and here he is sitting, in the flesh and breathing by my side. He looks lost, like he is scared of me, or scared I might break.

  He doesn’t move for a few seconds, but I hear him whisper, “Thank you, Jesus.”

  I have never prayed for anything harder than I did for this very moment. If God was here in person, I would fall to my knees and kiss his feet. Miracles do happen. Grace awake and alert right now is living proof of that. Growing up, my parents and I always attended church. I always knew there was something out there, much greater than I, and I have to admit as I got older I strayed away from the words I was taught in Sunday school. Hell, I didn’t do anything horrible – well, if you don’t count shooting Brody and wishing he were dead – but other than that, I’ve lived a pretty clean life. But for some reason, I have felt a sudden urge to pray this week. Every time her body shifted, when the doctor told us they didn’t know how long she would be in a coma, or her vital signs made the computer thingy spike, I found myself praying. Sometimes I didn’t even form complete sentences, just words, but He knew. He had to have heard me, and everyone else that has been by her bedside praying.

  Thank you, Lord. Thank you for bringing her back to me. Thank you.

  Standing up, I move closer to her side. She doesn’t move, but she doesn’t ask me to stop either. I don’t know where we stand, where our relationship stands, but right now I couldn’t care less. All I want to do is lie beside her and hold her.

  Sitting next her, I move my arm around the top of her head. As I lay on my side, she stills.

  “Is everything okay? Did I hurt you?”

  “No.” Her voice is a low whisper. “No, I just…I just missed you, that’s all.” Closing my eyes, I bend my neck forward and kiss her forehead. “What happened?” she whispers.

  I don’t know if she is in any shape to hear about this, now, but she asked and I will never in my life hide anything from her again. So I start at the beginning. I don’t know what all she remembers, if she remembers anything, so I tell her about coming to my house and running into the field holding her stuffed rabbit.

  “And then you left. I watched you pull away, not knowing that all of this would happen. I swear I wouldn’t have let you drive away if I could have predicted this would happen a few days later, sweetheart.” Swallowing, she doesn’t say anything, so I continue, but she interrupts me as I begin to tell her about her adoption and everything she told me while we were on my porch.

  “I remember driving. I just wanted to get away. Seeing this small shack off the freeway, I pulled over and went inside. I don’t know what I was planning on doing, maybe having a drink to take the edge off, when this man caught my eye.” Her words make my chest feel heavy, but I’m the one to blame. She needed to feel numb, I know that, and meaningless sex normally helps. Squeezing her hand, I let her know it’s okay to continue.

  “He offered to buy me a drink, and he called me, sweetheart. Just like you, Park, but he didn’t mean it like you do. It felt so weird, so I got up and left, and then Maci told me about Dad. Is he okay? Is he alive?” Nodding my head yes calms her down, but does nothing to stop the tears that are forming in her eyes.

  “That’s all I remember.”

  “You were in an accident, a really bad one. Two people died.” Her eyes widen and move from side to side.

  “Your father…your, umm…I mean, Mark Jacobs. Your biological father was in the SUV that hit you. His wife, him, and your half-sister, Alexis. The blunt force from the SUV rear-ending you was enough to throw you out of the windshield. You…you landed on the hood of someone else’s car. Some man who was driving home from a hunting trip. He’s alive, and has already been released. He just had some glass in his shoulder from you falling on top of his windshield. The driver of the SUV and Alexis are alive too. They were the only ones inside who were wearing seatbelts. You lost a lot of blood, so much that the hospital ran out of your specific type. But you and Alexis share the same type. You had a blood transfusion, sweetheart. She saved your life.”

  “What about…Mark?”

  “He and his wife died on the scene. I’m sorry. I know this isn’t a good time to put this all on you, but I won’t hide it from you. Your parents wanted me to wait. They didn’t want to tell you until you were released, but then you didn’t wake up. You’ve been in coma for a week now, Grace.” She looks broken, and I would do almost anything to put back together the shattered pieces of her life. Leaning down I kiss the top of her head.

  “I love you, Grace Clearwater. I know this isn’t the time or place, but I am hoping to make things up to you. I can’t deny what I hid from you, and I may not ever be able to make it
up to you and earn your trust back, but I swear, sweetheart, I will die trying.”

  “Can you get my parents?” she asks.

  She doesn’t say she loves me back, or even acknowledge my comment. It stings, but I deserve it.

  “Yes, of course.” Standing up I give her another kiss and then head into the waiting room to call Mr. Clearwater’s room. He had triple bypass surgery and has been an inpatient in the hospital all week. Karen has split her time between both rooms. A few days ago she decided to stay the night on a cot in Joseph’s room instead of Grace’s for once. That night I slept beside her, dreaming of better days.

  Grabbing my cell phone out of my jeans, I glance through my recent calls and hit send.

  “Hey, it’s Parker. She’s up and asking for you both.”

  “She’s awake? She’s really awake?” I can hear the excitement in her voice.

  “Yeah, she’s awake and she seems fine. She’s talking and everything.”

  “I’ll be right there!” The faint noise of things being fumbled in the background make me smile. I know she is probably frantically rushing around.

  “Okay, see you shortly. Wait, Mrs. Clearwater?”

  “Yes.”

  “I told her. I couldn’t keep it in. I won’t…I can’t hide anything from her again.” Clearing my throat, I am prepared for Grace's mom to yell at me. She and Mr. Clearwater wanted to be the ones to tell her, but I swore to myself I wouldn’t keep things from her so when she asked I knew, I had to fill her in.

  “We understand, Parker. Grace has always been…well, she’s Grace, and we all know how inquisitive she is. Did she seem upset? The doctor said to watch her blood pressure.”

  “I mean, she wasn’t devastated, at least I couldn’t tell from her facial expressions. It’s hard to mourn someone you didn’t even know.”

  “Is she mad?” Her question seems straightforward, but I know the depths that lie behind it.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Thank you, Parker, for everything. Thank you for loving our little girl. Now Joseph is a little angry with you and you might have to face him once he gets released from the hospital, but just understand where he is coming from. You hurt his baby, betrayed her…now I know why you did it. I think we’ve spent enough time together, talking in the waiting room this week, to understand each other’s reasoning behind doing the things we did, but nonetheless she was hurt in more ways than one. He doesn’t blame you, but you can bet he is going to give you hell for a while.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Grace is waiting for me. I’ll go tell her you are on your way.”

  “Thank you.” Walking back to the room, I open the door to hear muffled crying. Grace sniffles and tries to cover it up by coughing as I approach her bedside.

  “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I’m fine.” A small smile spreads on her face, a fake smile. “I’m just sad. I’m sad that all of this happened, and honestly that I will never get to meet my biological father and now his little girl is all alone. With no parents, or anyone. I can’t imagine how she feels.”

  Taking a step closer, I say, “I can’t either, but she is so sweet and kind. Your father has a sister who lives close by that has accepted custody of her. I don’t know if it’s permanent, but Alexis seems happy with it. She will heal in time, just like you will, and until then we are all here to help you both understand all of this.”

  Pulling the floral printed chair over to her bed, I take a seat. The diamond on her left hand sparkles in the hospital’s fluorescent lighting. Taking her hand in mine, I kiss her ring finger before holding her hand up and giving her a glimpse of the small rock.

  “What is that?”

  “Grace, I love you and I always knew you were the woman of my dreams. I knew one day I would ask you to marry me, but I couldn’t when I was hiding something so big from you. I couldn’t start off our marriage with a lie. A few days ago, when your dad woke up from his bypass I asked him for your hand in marriage. He said yes. I admit he was hesitant at first and he questioned me like I was applying for the fucking National Guard, but I think he came to terms with why I lied to you. Really, he lied to protect you, just like I did, and I think that won him over. I rushed up here and slid the ring on your finger. I know it isn’t the most romantic proposal, and you could always take it off and say no, but I was so scared of losing you. I just wanted to see you wear it.”

  “Yes. Yes, Parker. I would be honored to be your wife, but on one condition.”

  “Name it.”

  “Let’s promise not to fight again, and we have to be upfront and honest about everything. It’s going to take some time to get past this, but you’re all I could think about. I don’t remember being in coma, but I remember you. Your face. It’s what helped me hold on. This fight literally almost killed me, but you, your voice calling out to me to hold on, saved me. ”

  If someone would have told me three years ago how my life would pan out, I wouldn’t have believed them. I would have told them they were sadly mistaken and brushed it off without a second thought. Looking back, I’m glad no one was there to give me their predictions. Every single trial that I faced that summer has led to me where I am today.

  “Grace, come on, sweetheart, you’re going to be late.”

  Looking out into the bedroom from where I am standing, I see Parker adjusting his tie. Oh, how I love how my man looks in a suit. Rarely do I get to see him in anything other than a pair of khakis or basketball shorts. The first time was at my father’s funeral. While I never got the chance to know Mark Jacobs personally, I know him through the memories and the stories that the ones closest to him shared. His sister, my Aunt Jaime, and I have actually become really close. She tells me I look just like him and dance like my mother, Sophia, who was a ballet dancer. Their stories are all I have keeping them alive. I wish I had the chance to know them. Maybe we would have had a lot in common. I know that’s wishful thinking and I will never get that chance, but it’s nice knowing that every decision they made was to protect me. Sophia died while giving birth to me. She was so young and her body just couldn’t take it. I don’t blame him for one second for making the decision he did. I wish more than anything I had the chance to know him, to tell him I don’t blame him. In my prayers I do, every day. I know he is listening and I find comfort in knowing he can be at peace knowing I don’t hate him.

  A few weeks after his funeral, I met with an attorney who gave me a box. I guess him being the businessman he was he had his will set up, just in case. Who would have thought something would actually happen? At first the box was a painful reminder of his absence. Not to mention every box I have ever been given has brought nothing but bad news and misery to my life. This one was different though. This box brought answers and closure. There were letters inside, letters from Sophia to me, before I was even born. Some of them were written on her Spanish homework, being how they were still in high school. The thought made me laugh, but more importantly, it made me smile. Knowing I was on her mind then, when she was pregnant and in school, pulled at my heart. God, how I wish I could have met her. There were also news articles from her ballet recitals. Now I know where I get that gene from. At the very top of the box was a letter from Mark, the man whose eyes matched mine exactly. The letter was brief, but the words are what mattered, not the amount.

  Grace,

  If you are reading this then we would have never gotten a chance to meet, but just because we have never had the opportunity doesn’t mean we do not know each other. I loved your mother more than anything, and I was heartbroken to see her go. Knowing that you were a part of her killed me, but walking away from you killed me more. I will die missing you and regretting my decision to give you up, but please know there isn’t one day that goes by that I don’t think of you or your pretty blue eyes.

  This may sound strange, and honestly, what are the chances that the private investigator I hired to watch you would fall head over heels in love with you? Parker Porter is smit
ten with you. I knew it from the moment his eyes lit up when he looked at the picture I gave him. Grace, please forgive him for keeping this secret. Like me, he was just trying to protect you. I am praying that my lawyer has contacted him and delivered a special gift.

  The ring that I hope is on your hand was your mother’s. I had saved up all summer to buy that, and the night of our senior prom I gave it to her. She was huge in her purple dress, but pregnant or not, she was the most gorgeous thing I had ever laid my eyes on. That night I asked her to marry me, and that night she gave birth to you, wearing that same ring. I had a will prepared just in case something ever happened to me. In my will, I made clear that this ring needed to be delivered to Mr. Porter.

  So if you are reading this, I can only hope you would have said yes to Parker’s proposal, and if he hasn’t asked you yet, just tuck this letter away and pretend I never told you that story. I love you, my beautiful little girl. I pray you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

  Until we meet again, I love you, sweetheart.

  Mark

  I’ve read the letter more than once, and every time, I close my eyes and picture him reading it to me, remembering his voice from the one time we met on campus. The strange part is it is dated a few weeks prior to the accident. Parker told me about their last conversation. I know I won’t ever get the chance to know exactly why Mark did or said the things he did to Parker, and I’m not sure what triggered Mark to write this letter, but I find comfort in knowing he believed in Parker’s love for me. He had to –after all he had my mother’s ring delivered to Parker.